I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
