: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
