i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
