remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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