There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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