Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
