I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dignity is for republicans.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
