There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
