I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
