My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
