I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
