11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
