I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
