i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
