Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
should my penis look like a turkey
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
