I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
