he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
