You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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