i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
