i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did I show you my penis last night?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
