You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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