Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
