Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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