atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
