the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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