I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
