Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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