I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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