You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
