Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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