so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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