My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
