I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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