I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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