I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
