Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
