can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
