Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
