So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
