somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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