Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Barsexuality is the new black.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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