Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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