at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
