I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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