the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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