I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
