Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
