What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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