Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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