Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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